How To Work With
A Prima Donna
Michael Jolkovski, PhD
“Prima Donna” (Italian for Leading lady) and Diva are terms originally
used to describe the temperamental and demanding tendencies of
Opera stars, the rock stars of the 18th through the early 20th
centuries. The music may have changed but these demanding
tendencies flourish in every medium and genre.
In my practice, I spend a lot of time with my musician clients
discussing the problems of working with Prima Donnas -- as well as
trying to moderate their own career-killing Prima Donna tendencies. I
help Prima Donnas create a trusted bond with their closest working
partners where the diva act is not needed, even if they have to put it
back on when they go outside.
WHY ARE SO MANY Prima Donnas in music?
Musicians aren’t the only insecure people in the world and up to a
point, narcissism can be an asset. It can be the source of charisma
and that elusive star quality that helps to fill a big stage. After all, it
takes a lot of confidence to expect people to listen to you play and sing
night after night. A rock-n-roll attitude can help you to armor yourself
against the slings & arrows of the audience.
Taking a superior attitude is one way to protect yourself. If it works for
you, fine. When it keeps musicians from really working together or
forming relationships that sustain them -- then it’s a problem.
THE SYNDROME
“You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht” Carly
Simon lamented on her hit “You’re so vain”. The song, rumored to be
about Mick Jagger (among other divas) illustrates how a Prima
Donna’s sense of uniqueness and entitlement is evident just by the
way they walk.
Musicians often carry themselves with attitude, but a Prima Donna
goes beyond having swagger and confidence. A true Prima Donna
believes in their own specialness and treats others with entitlement,
and will make the lives of others a living hell by throwing tantrums to
insist that their special demands are met.
A classic Prima Donna is arrogant, vain, high-maintenance,
demanding, petulant, and entitled. The entitlement can help them
rationalize exploiting and manipulating others. This is especially
destructive in bands. A prima donna is by definition not a team player,
and will often unrealistically expect to live a lifestyle that hasn’t yet
been earned. Alcohol and drugs tend to make all of this this much
worse.
We’re talking about a high degree of narcissism, which is the
psychoanalytic word for vanity. Everybody has some narcissism: it’s
what makes for healthy self-esteem. Like blood pressure or sex drive,
there is such a thing as too little or too much. A highly narcissistic
person can be like a blimp: inflated, impractical, expensive, thin-
skinned, fragile, and in need of a large crew to keep them going. The
tabloid press or VH1’s Behind the Music are good places to see
Hindenburg-type crashes if you like to see that kind of thing.
One practical thing you should know about narcissism in its various
unpleasant manifestations is that it ebbs and flows. When someone is
feeling dissed, belittled, insulted and humiliated, they tend to react
badly. This applies to everyone, even if those of use who are more on
the narcissistic side tend to react more badly, with more arrogance,
etc.
When this happens, you can realize this person is reacting like a
cornered animal. Poking them with a stick won’t get the results you
want. You want them to calm down, and the way to attain this is to
help them feel appreciated and admired. This is why the stereotyped
Hollywood agent or band manager is always doling out flattery -- to
try to get their Prima Donna stars into a mood where they are all
happy and purring so something can get done.
And face it, if you’re working with a band for any length of time,
everyone will get a chance to make an ass of themselves. This includes
you. So letting people save face by giving them a little time and
support to recover when they’re will help you sooner or later.
If your Prima Donna, in the right mood, can sincerely apologize, laugh
at himself or herself, admit flaws, and have genuine concern for
others, there’s hope they’re not a hard-core pathological narcissist. If
not, you’re in for a rough ride.
WHY PUT UP WITH A Prima Donna?
Just because you’re paranoid, the joke goes, doesn’t mean they’re not
really after you. By the same token -- just because you’re a
narcissistic Prima Donna doesn’t mean you’re not special. Some people
are so remarkably gifted they are worth working with even despite
these obnoxious personal characteristics.
If you are in a band with someone so outrageously talented and
charismatic that they truly are the next Prince, Dylan, Bowie, Patti
Smith, Hendrix, and Cobain rolled into one, you might be willing to put
up with some extra irritation for the privilege. But it won’t do you any
good to work with someone like this if the band -- or you -- don’t
survive.
It can amount to making a deal with them, either implied or spelled
out. For example, if they are a visionary and you can help them deal
with the nitty-gritty reality, it can work out for everybody. So long as
you don’t kill them and they don’t discard you like a burrito wrapper
when they grow weary of your company.
Difficult as they can be, I have sympathy and respect for these people
who are often gifted and who create art that enriches us all. The
industry and the weird conditions of fame tend to push people into
becoming prima donnas to keep themselves intact.
Famous people sometimes need to grow a hard crust because of all of
the hands reaching out to grab a piece of them. I respect anybody who
can make a life for themselves under those conditions.
TIPS FOR DIVA WRANGLING
Lucky you. You are working with a Prima Donna. Here are some
pointers.
- Know when you’ve had enough. Decide how far you’re willing to go
to accommodate the Prima Donna, and don’t go beyond it.
- Just like the grizzly bear, a dangerous Prima Donna in attack mode
is probably just frightened.
- Monitor your own reactions. Rage is a good sign you’re at your
limit. If the Prima Donna takes an attitude of lofty superiority and
treats others as scum, be sure you have extremely thick skin.
- Be cool, honey bunny. Don’t retaliate, don’t react. If they are
expecting you to be their servant, just point out the reality that you
have your own stuff to look after, and they are free to hire a personal
assistant if they want to spend their money that way. Don’t argue with
their tantrums. Just shrug and let ‘em know it won’t work on you.
- Feed the beast: Just like the van needs gas, your Prima Donna
bandmate requires a certain amount of admiration and praise. This is
part of the Prima Donna high-maintenance plan. It costs nothing to
supply if you can stand it. It helps if you believe they deserve it.
- Set limits on deadly behavior: The sense of entitlement can grow
like a tumor if unchecked. If the lead singer thinks he’s too special to
help with loadout, it can split the band. If the singer wants to
negotiate for the privilege (for example sharing publishing revenues
more generously) that’s another matter.
- You’re on their side: “I’d love you to have this, but we’re not in a
position to afford it yet”. Let them know that the insufficiently fluffy
latte they’re throwing a fit about is not a personal affront, it’s just
business.
- Step out of the reality distortion field once in a while. Your Prima
Donna friend might think he’s going to take the world by storm, but
half the Baristas in L.A. used to think the same thing -- and the other
half still think so. Do your own thinking and get some outside opinions.
- Build a firewall: You have to protect yourself if you’re dealing with
someone who can be exploitative. It is a narcissistic / Prima Donna
trait to feel entitled to grab all of the credit and revenue and to deny
that anyone else made any contribution. A written band agreement
developed by a competent attorney can be your friend. That way, the
money isn’t split up based on anyone’s feelings -- it’s just spelled out.
- You may have to cut ‘em loose. Sometimes life is too short.
AND WHAT IF YOU’RE THE PRIMA DONNA?
It’s a fantastic relief to be able to let go of that superior business --
the world is a lot less lonely that way. Some perspective can help, as
can a sense of humor about yourself. Maturity is not a bad thing. A
competent psychoanalyst can help. I’m just saying.
Psychologist & former pro musician, Dr. Mike Jolkovski spends his days helping
musicians and other bizness entrepreneurs successfully navigate group
dynamics, avoid self-destruction & thrive. He’s currently doing research on
conflict, power & ego in bands for an upcoming book. Take the survey or email
your stories, experiences & opinions at mj@workingthroughmusic.com.
